The Love of Gods creation - Mother and Child

"This is scaremongering, as well as being both unfair, unhelpful and divisive for couples. Parents carry enough anxiety and guilt around separation as it is. Why on earth would we want to add to it?"

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The irony is, she adds, that studies show that if anything's going to cause harm to the offspring of separated parents, it's conflict – and to say that children can't spend a night at their dad's can only create conflict.

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The second most important factor that can damage children following divorce or separation, according to research, is lack of access to the non-resident parent, she says. "Again, this ban would only add to this lack of access."

For Ian Ashford, Leach's comments will be yet another reason for his wife to try and deny him access to their 13-month-old daughter, he says.

"We both love our daughter and she's attached to both of us, but my ex-wife seems to want me out of the picture altogether and she'll be rubbing her hands together at this. I have a friend in a similar situation."

Leach's comments are a bit like saying that a mother should never go out and allow Dad to put the children to bed, concludes Elizabeth O'Shea, a parenting specialist who runs parenting courses in deprived areas of London.

"In my opinion, if parents separate, the earlier a child can get used to staying with both Mum and Dad, the better. In fact, I truly believe that it is psychologically damaging to refuse to allow a child to have overnight stays with him."

Children need to be allowed to have a childhood, free from having to choose between their parents, she argues. "Children are adaptable."

But Nick Woodhall, author and practitioner at The Family Separation Clinic, believes it's not that black and white.

"I actually think it's quite a good thing that Leach has drawn attention to the impact on children of having to spend time in two homes because it can be tiring for children to move around every few days," he says.

"Research shows that even with tiny infants, even a change in washing powder can be disruptive because the house smells different."

But it doesn't follow that kids should never get to have sleepovers at their dads, he insists.

"There are good reasons for it to happen. It's just that kids sometimes need help with managing the shift from one household to another. If we can take anything from this, I think it should be focusing on this middle ground."

Do grandmothers prefer their daughters' offspring to their sons'? It's a controversial question but one that a large number of mothers would answer yes to.

Take mum-of-one, Emma. She was in such pain after the complicated delivery of her daughter that she couldn't even sit down comfortably. With her husband back at work within a week and her parents working full time, she was confident her retired in-laws would support her.

After all, when her husband's sister became a mum, Emma's mother-in-law had cooked her meals, helped with housework and offered emotional support, so Emma was hopeful of the same.

However, after their initial visit to the maternity ward, her in-laws went away for 10 days on a last-minute holiday.

"I couldn't believe it," she says.

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I always thought we had a really close relationship and here they were with a new grandchild they didn't want to see and a daughter-in-law who was an emotional and physical mess. They would never have left their own daughter like that.

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Four years later, she notices her mother-in-law making a beeline for her daughter's child, rather then hers, at family gatherings. "I genuinely feel mothers prefer their daughters' children to their sons'," she says.

Jane, a mum of two, agrees. Her in-laws provide childcare for their daughter's children so that both parents can work – but they don't do the same for their son's children.

"Admittedly, my sister-in-law lives around the corner from them, and we're a 15 minute drive away, but it's only 15 minutes, and it means we have to pay for childcare and they don't."

Psychologist Professor Peter Smith, of London's Goldsmiths University, agrees that while grandparents generally say they are equally close to all grandchildren, research shows they are, in fact, closer to their daughters' children than their sons'.

He offers two reasons. "The first is that mothers tend to be closer to their daughters and the second is that of paternity," he says.

"Certainly they can be sure that their daughters' children are theirs, but they can't be quite so sure with their sons' children. They may not be consciously aware that this is an issue but it factors in research studies."

Mother-of-one Natalie thinks it's because sons often place less importance on the involvement of the extended family. Admittedly, she lives in the same town as her parents, whereas her brother and family live two hours away, but she also makes sure her parents know what is going on in her son's life with regular phone calls and messages.

"My parents have more of a connection with my son simply because they see him more and importantly get to hear about what is happening in his life very regularly. It's not that they love their granddaughter any less but there is that distance there, both geographically and, in a sad way, emotionally because there isn't that constant steam of information."

Sue, a mother of three and a grandmother of four, says she loves her grandchildren equally but is closer to her daughter's children because she cares for them two days a week, whereas her son's children are cared for by their maternal grandmother.

"My son is very conscious that I'm so close to his sister's children," she says. "He makes sure I don't give more attention to my daughter's children than his. Because I see such a lot of them, he feels his children are pushed into the background – but they are not at all.

"When I started minding my daughter's children, I told him I was only doing for my daughter what his mother-in-law is doing for her daughter."

Perhaps mums are guilty of excluding their mothers-in-law in favour of their own mums. Maria, mum of two boys, says, "I definitely prefer my parents to my husband's, and naturally have a closer relationship with them

"I speak to my mum every day whereas he speaks to his mum once a week and so as a result mine are more involved."

Both sets of grandparents live two hours away in the same town, yet when Maria and her family visit, she insists on staying with her parents because that is where she is more comfortable.

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Wanting to replicate our parents' parenting methods could mean we turn more to mothers than mothers-in-law.

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Indeed, a recent study by Pampers found that six in 10 women turn to their own mother for advice on getting baby to sleep.

As Maria says, "It helps that my mum is a health visitor and breast feeding counsellor, and breast-fed me and my brothers so has influenced me and is very supportive of the parenting choices I've made.

"My husband's mum is more old fashioned and bottle fed him and I often feel she thinks I'm a bit odd with my home birth, cloth nappies, breast feeding and baby-led-weaning."

And it's not just grandmothers who seemingly show preferences. Lucy, mother to one son and one daughter, wonders if grandfathers prefer grandsons. "I have got embarrassed in the past as my dad dotes on my son and gets told by my mum when we are all together to give more attention to the other grandchildren," she says.

Mum of two Kate adds, "My brother is definitely my paternal grandfather's favourite. Perhaps it's because he was the first grandson after three granddaughters; the first guaranteed to carry on the family name."

Despite her sons being just three years old and six months, Maria admits to already worrying about being a grandmother. "I worry that when my sons have children I might end up being excluded as the paternal grandmother. I know it doesn't always work that way and often depends on distance and location, but it's crossed my mind. Although I've always wanted three children I guess part of me is hoping number three will be a girl."

Do you think you pull your mother in and push your mother-in-law out when it comes to the children?

Being a father, she says, 'is not a reward for good behaviour

 when Vicky Howard and her husband divorced last year, she was all for their 18-month-old daughter, Molly, spending every other weekend with him. But a year later, she would do anything to stop Molly spending nights at his flat.

"I'm not saying he shouldn't see her. But as for staying the night, I think it's harmful. She comes home out of sorts and I wonder what all the to-ing and fro-ing will do to her in the long term."

Vicky is not alone, with thousands of single mothers fearful about the effects on their young children of going for sleepovers at their dads.

"I'm really concerned, but people have told me it's politically incorrect and selfish to think like that and my ex's lawyers would surely laugh me out of court, so I generally keep my worries to myself," says one mother of a two-year-old, who wishes to remain anonymous.

One of Britain's leading parenting experts, Penelope Leach, says these mothers are right to be worried.

In fact, the psychologist, whose parenting books have sold millions, has made the controversial claim that children aged four and under should not be having sleepovers with their fathers at all when couples have separated.

In her new book, Family Breakdown, Leach claims that attempts by separated parents to 'share' young children is putting adult rights above those of children and that there is undisputed evidence that separating children from their mothers reduces brain development and creates a tendency towards unhealthy attachment issues.

"When people say that it's 'only fair' for a father and mother to share their five-year-old daughter on alternate weeks, they mean it is fair to the adults – who see her as a possession and her presence as their right – not that it is fair to the child," she says.

Leach, who has previously caused controversy by claiming that only mothers can care adequately for their children and that the paternal role is only of secondary importance, also took the opportunity to have a stab at the legal profession.

"When a lawyer bids for his client to have his baby or toddler to stay overnight each weekend, they are both ignoring clear evidence that such overnight separations from the mother are not only usually distressing, but also potentially damaging to the brain development and secure attachment of children under about four."

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Being a father, she says, 'is not a reward for good behaviour'.

New Father's 4 Justice

 

 

 

 

"All the evidence suggests that younger children should not be separated from their primary caregiver who, in the vast majority of cases, is the mother," he says.

"My only reservation would be if the child genuinely had as strong an attachment to the father as the mother before the break up, but this is unusual."

James particularly welcomes Leach's criticism of the family law profession, which he believes has 'atrocious ignorance about the damage to children of decisions they make.'

"The Government could rectify this but doesn't," he says.

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Mind you, I suppose it's not surprising when you consider that the ruling elite frequently had poor early care themselves – it's why they are so motivated to get to the top.

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Even some fathers believe Leach has made a valid point.

"I split up with my wife four years ago, when our twins were three and it seemed to upset them terribly being moved about," says Paul Adams.

"They would cry and cry over things like not having all their teddies around them, but we felt it was the general disruption that was bothering them. So we decided to wait a few years to resume sleepovers at mine, which we've now done slowly and successfully,"

But others are outraged by Leach's comments. A spokesman for New Father's 4 Justice group says,

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Leach's advice sounds like absolute poison and potentially terribly damaging to children's development. Overnight stays with fathers from as early an age as possible is crucial if children are to form strong attachments with both of their parents.

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Arguments in favour of mother-only parenting are based on outdated views that females have some kind of inbuilt instinct that makes them better parents than men, he adds.

"In any case, single mums deserve a break," points out Paula Hall, author of Help Your Children Cope With Your Divorce and spokesperson for Relate.

"Who better for the child to go to than the father? Are we saying kids should never go to stay with grandparents either?

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